UBC Motherhood - Mom Friends

When I was trying to get pregnant I would often - longingly - watch groups of Moms pushing their strollers, chatting and laughing. 

That's how I saw myself in the near future, too! We were going to text each other to make plans and meet up to spend the afternoon, and on other days babysitting each other's kids so we could go to our hair appointment and stuff?

Who was I kidding though?

• First of all: All of my girlfriends already had their babies, actually, they were going to school and as a result, these families had other daily schedules and priorities.
• Second of all: I didn't know it yet, but making new Mom friends was going to prove harder than I thought.

Here are some of the reasons that applied to me personally. Every woman and situation may be different of course:

My busy and fast paced job before having a baby hardly allowed me to maintain existing friendships, Moms or not.

Moms I liked, lived an hour away. I didn't mind the drive, but it took an incredible amount of planning and flexibility to make it happen.

I was not part of a birth preparation class where one might potentially met a likeminded friend.

I didn't like the lady with whom I shared my hospital room for a few days. It'd have been perfect to become friends with someone from the area who had a kid the exact same age, but I just couldn't see myself socializing with someone beyond my wavelength.

Postnatal exercise class to strengthen our pelvic floor muscles seemed like another great opportunity to meet new Mom friends! The only ones I "met", however, were my neighbor and another lady from our street. The two of them have been friends since they both had their first baby at the same time. I didn't want to intrude. Oh, wait, there was another one! We had the best intentions to meet for stroller walks or coffee, but someone's kid was always sleeping longer or had to go see the paediatrician, and then she moved away. 

Said next door neighbor had a boy who is 18 months older than Colin and a girl who is three months younger and was going to be his classmate for a while. However, while the kids, once they were old enough to play outside, did so, us Moms never seemed to find the time to just drop by. If we did, it was to borrow some groceries.

The playground sounds like a perfect place to meet other Moms, right? That's true on paper. However, and I feel like I am somewhat picky here, I had no need to get in closer contact with most of them. I thought we didn't share the same values. They came to the playground, lit a cigarette (I know! YUCK! Welcome to Europe!), sent their kids to the swing or the sandbox to finally get a break for themselves. They talked or tapped on their phones and only looked up if a kid was crying. 

"You do that one more time, and we'll go straight home! " 

Worse yet "if you hit other children, we will never come back here, understand?" They'd yell. 

I didn't want to be friends with them.

When Colin was pretty young, I went back to work, and even though it was just part-time, I immediately felt like I had left the stay at home Moms' team. Of course this didn't mean I'd automatically join the working Moms' team. After all, working only 2 - 3 days a week,  I didn't pull the full weight. 

So did I ever manage to make Mom friends at all? I mean friends beyond running into each other randomly and exchanging some superficial words "I can't believe how big he's gotten! Does he sleep through the night?"

I did, and in somewhat surprising ways!

When I was at the hospital and slowly got up on my feet again, Colin and I would go on field trips. 

Haha, yes! 

Once we took a "baby handling class" where I learned how to hold him while bathing him and putting on diapers and clothes. This class took place on another floor, meaning I had to walk to the elevators! 

Remember I had lost a lot of blood, and getting to the elevators seemed like a really strenuous activity! 

Another day. a friend from work visited, and we went all the way to the hospital cafeteria and back!

Anyway, there was an oversized organization chart pinned to one of the walls in the main hallway. It came with photos of the nurses, and we stopped to see if we could spot the lovely ladies who were taking such great care of us. I discovered that the department head of the maternity ward was my elementary school friend's younger sister! 

I asked where her office was.

"Oh, Doris' office is right there, but you won't find her there", I was told.

Huh? Why not?

"She just had a baby and is still on maternity leave."

Ha! Good to know! I had no idea where she lived, but at the very least, I was going to send her congratulations through her parents who still lived in the same house.

The day of my release arrived. I packed my things, left the breast pump kit behind, and baby Colin, hubby and I were on our way home. We couldn't go straight home, though. We had to stop at the market for some necessities like formula, diapers and groceries for us.

Can you believe whom I met that very day while shopping for these items?

Doris! 

It was a magical thing - or a lucky coincidence. Call it what you like. 

We had not seen each other for 20 years. Or 25 even? As I said, she was my school friend's younger sister, so I saw her when I played at my friend's house or at school where their class room was right opposite of ours. 

Anyway, she still looked the same, and she seemed happy to see me, too!

"I heard about you!" she said! "The other day I had to get some stuff from the office, and I went through the list of newborns. I wasn't sure it was you though because I only know your maiden name. I'm so glad we get to reconnect!"

And we did!

Her boy was born in June, mine in September, and in December the year after, she had another son. It was perfect. She was going back to work, and so was I. Kindred spirits! 

Of course, both of us working made it hard to share our daily lives, but we did the best we could! Our sons were best friends in elementary school so we'd attend school functions together. 

We also celebrated birthdays, St. Patrick's Day and Halloween and went to see Santa together for a couple of years. In the meantime our sons grew apart, my friend got divorced from her husband, and we're both busy at work and taking our teenagers places.

Still from time to time we manage to go out and reconnect!

Another magical thing - or lucky coincidence happened. 

One day my friend Annie, whom I met while working for Starbucks, texted me. (She worked at the Seattle HQ) 

"Hey, a friend of mine is moving to Switzerland. She doesn't speak German, and she doesn't know a soul. Would you mind showing her around, helping her feel welcome?"

Absolutely! Annie's friend is my friend! Her name was Crystal. She lived almost 90 minutes away. However, our favourite shopping mall is located about half way for both of us. That's where we would meet up every once in a while. 

Crystal's boys were a few years older and attended international school. I don't know if I helped her to acclimatize in Switzerland, but we sure had a fun time for a couple of years until they moved back to the U.S.

When I was invited to a wedding at the West Coast in 2016, we met in Pasadena, it was so nice to see her again!

I did meet a handful Mom friends through playgroups. I'll talk about them in my next post. 

If you're a Mom, how easy or hard was it for you to find likeminded friends?