UBC Motherhood - Teenagers

Friends, may I just say I am so happy to be a boy's Mom!

Where did that come from?

When Colin was still very little, I suddenly realized I may not be equipped to raise a boy. Yes, growing up I had a baby brother, and I went to school with boys, but other than that? 

Well, so far I like to think that I manage. Plus he has a Dad. And male teachers and coaches. 

So why this statement of mine?

As a member of a few Mom Groups on Facebook I keep reading posts where they discuss

• At what age do you allow your daughters to wear makeup?
• Are your girls allowed to wear crop tops and hot pants to school?
• A schoolmate pierced my daughter's (12) ear in the restroom. How should I react?
• I found a box of the morning after pill in my daughter's (15) gym bag. She promised me that she and her boyfriend only cuddle!

OK, in all fairness, there are posts about teenage boys, too. They don't care about school or homework, all they wanna do is play online games, eat junk food, and some of them smoke pot.

The other day, however, I was genuinely shocked when a client at work told me the following, and in all fairness it probably had absolutely nothing to do with the gender of her kid:

Her daughter (15) and her girlfriends were celebrating the end of the school year. Her daughter told her parents she wanted to bring some harmless alcoholic beverage. The Mom took the daughter shopping, and she got her a tiny bottle of strawberry flavored Prosecco. (Yum!)

If you're American, you're probably already clutching your pearls, and I don't blame you! 

Here's what Switzerland's law concerning alcohol says:

No alcohol may be sold or served to children and young people under the age of 16. Beer and wine may only be sold or served to persons over 16 years of age. Spirits, aperitifs and alcopops may only be sold or served to persons over 18 years of age.

Strictly speaking, the parents who bought light beer or sparkling wine for their children violated this law. Culturally though, most parents let their teenagers sip some of these beverages at home. They would rather the young people learn how to handle alcohol responsibly at home under supervision than (binge) drink in secret with their friends. What's forbidden is all the more exciting, right?

Photo by Cailin Grant-Jansen on Unsplash

So the party was going to take place at the edge of the forest, and afterwards, the daughter was supposed to sleep at her friend's place who lives very close to that location. 

The girl left excitedly, and the Mom wasn't worried or anything. Her daughter was a trustworthy and responsible young woman. Or so she thought.

At 1am the Mom got a call from her daughter's friend's cell phone. She was crying.

"(Insert girl's name) is unconscious. We can't wake her up. We called an ambulance. you should come."

I had chills listening to my client. Oh my goodness, that's one of my worst nightmares!

So what happened?

Most kids just brought one can of beer or a small bottle (200ml = 6.7oz) of sparkling wine. One girl, however, proudly produced a bottle of Vodka. Apparently they mixed it with Coca-Cola. It is unknown in what order and in what quantities the girls had consumed which drinks.

There's a saying in German:

Bier auf Wein, das lass sein – Wein auf Bier, das rat ich Dir.

It roughly translates to 

Never drink beer after you've had wine - first the beer, then the wine is much more recommendable. 

I looked it up though. There's no scientific significance to it. 

Anyway. The girls were drinking and having a grand time. Until my client's daughter got sick. She ran into the forest and puked. When she didn't return to the group they got worried and set out to look for her. That's when they found her lying unconscious in the woods.

If there's anything positive in this entire incident, it is the fact that the other girls immediately called for help. Mind you, they were beyond sober themselves.

When the Mom arrived at the hospital, she found her daughter asleep, hooked up to an IV and a machine monitoring her vital signs. 

Doctors told her they measured a blood alcohol level of 1.8‰.

Ouch! 

There was another young patient, just behind the next partition curtain, her tox screen revealed a BAL of 2.4‰ plus traces of cocaine.

I wanted to cry right then and there, in broad daylight, while on the phone with my client.

Why do kids do this to themselves? Are they that bored? Or neglected? Do they think it's cool?

Over the course of the next days I could not shake my shock and worry. First I talked to Colin about it. He just shook his head. "These are some stooopid human beings right there" he said, and for him the subject was settled.

I told it to a fellow Hockey Mom who is also on staff of our club, meaning if a player gets hit or cut, she's their first responder. Unfortunately over the years, her services were required a few times. Concussions, fractures, you name it. 

She said "I'm so glad our boys pledge sobriety every season."

They do what?

"You don't know about it? Every summer, in hockey camp, the coaches address the issue of alcohol, tobacco and drugs, and they make the young athletes sign the cool and clean promotional poster as a team.

I had never heard of it. Colin shrugged. "Yes, we sign it, but more importantly, I want nothing to do with drugs, signature or not." I wanted to hug him so hard, but I didn't want to embarrass him in front of his teammate.

A couple of days later we met with my sister-in-law and her 19-year old daughter. I didn't even want to bring it up, but as we were walking, we came across a bunch of kids, sitting on the edge of the pedestrian zone, drinking and kicking the empty bottles towards oncoming people.

My niece shrugged "welcome to my generation" she said. We got to talking. She said when she went out with friends, she was usually the only one who doesn't drink, and at a certain point she needs to leave because things get ugly. 

Whoa! I had no idea. I seem to live under a rock. 

In what condition and how do your friends come home? I hope they don't drive? I asked. 

"Call me cold hearted, but I don't know, and I don't want to know" she replied. 

Are you the only one among your group? Do they pressure you? Don't you feel excluded or awkward? 

"There are others that don't drink, but they don't attend these parties in the first place. Yes, there's always someone offering me a beer or something, and no, I may be the only one, but I refuse to feel odd."

I wanted to hug her, too.

Later I took a long hard look at my own behavior, too. I'm usually a very good girl, However, when I'm with my best friend, we always have some bubbly. It's our idea of fun, or freedom, not sure if these are the appropriate words to describe it. 

We are hard working Moms who carry the entire mental load for our families. She's a single Mom, and my husband is at work all the time. So on the rare occasion that my friend and I get together, we toast each other and celebrate our achievements: our kids are still alive, better yet, they're thriving.

Do we get drunk? Absolutely not. I can't tolerate much alcohol anyway, and I hate to lose control. 

Do we feel a bit relaxed? Sure thing.

Could we do so by drinking fruit juice? We could.

Do we set a bad example? I hope not. 

I think we need to get together soon and talk about it. With a glass of...?

What's your experience with young people? Are today's kids more careless than in the olden days? How do you prevent them from doing stupid things?