Ultimate Blog Challenge - What guidance do you often give others?

Welcome back to the Ultimate Blog Challenge in October - it's Halftime! 

Today's prompt is

What guidance do you often give others?

In order to answer this, let me begin by telling you that I am a member of several Mommy Groups on Facebook, and I am an active reader of the "Self Help Section" where people post about their worries and concerns. Many are Moms of babies and toddlers, and there are recurring topics like nursing, potty training, bedtime routine, you get the picture. I tend to skip them. I've outgrown these questions.

There was one that caught my attention the other day, however. This is what she said:

Daddy's children aka Dad is the greatest

Dear Mommies,

I'm doing something wrong, or I'm just not lovable.

Both my kids love their Daddy to death. I, on the other hand, am only tolerated when he is not around. When he is there, I am air. I am the third wheel on the wagon. They romp and cuddle and laugh, and I sit stupidly next to them or do housework (as so often).

I feel so stupid, I do everything for the kids, I love them so so so much. I do all ll the care work. My husband works full time and mostly cooks. I do everything else. But I also work part-time, and somehow no one thanks me for all this, not even with love and affection. The kids are 4y and 11mos. I no longer breastfeed the little one, and since then I have become completely uninteresting.

Since he was 1 year old, my first-born has always been a full-blown Daddy's child. When I pick him up, I do not even get a Hello, he only goes where's Daddy? Or he even cries and says he doesn't want to go home with me (even though his beloved Daddy is waiting there). 

And just now my husband gave me the little one, and she cried terribly. Because she had to come to me. So am I a bad mother? It's obvious, since  BOTH children only want Daddy. This makes me all infinitely sad... I've given up everything for them, and my husband still has everything. He has the cake and may eat it, too, whereas I have nothing but my children, to whom I am completely insignificant.

In my environment probably everybody's a Super Mom because all the other kids I know are Mom's kids. Only mine are not - so it must be me.

Photo by Frederik Rosar on Unsplash

When I read this, my heart sank. This poor lady feels she has no purpose, and her family makes her feel it brutally. At least the kids do, she does not say anything about her marriage, but I read between the lines that she resents the husband even though it's probably not his fault.

Everybody was being really supportive, telling her what a wonderful Mom she was, and that her kids love her. I don't feel this is our place to say, since we don't know the family's situation and dynamic. 

What I did tell her was to immediately start doing things that bring her joy: sports, hobbies, going out with her friends, considering increasing her work days if she liked her job. And tell the husband to pick up the kids for Christ's sake. Nobody needs this feeling of being unwelcome after a hard day at work. 

She probably didn't want to hear this, but I also said to her that there was no way her kids were able to grasp the concept that she gave everything up for them, let alone thank her for her sacrifice. 

I know this is a bitter pill to swallow, but it's the truth in my opinion. 

Before you decide to have kids, you must be 100% certain that it'll be worth it no matter the outcome. You can't know what your kids will be like, you have to take the risk, but you can never go back.

I remember when I was close to giving birth. It hit me, and I thought what if I find my kid boring or even unappealing? Will I be able to shape him or her? Will I have to feign interest and love?

I told myself I was gonna suck it up and deal with whatever comes my way. Fortunately I got so so so lucky. I mean, for a minute, when I realized I had a baby boy, I told myself I was going to have to play soccer with him or look the other way when he wants to dissect frogs ;-)

However, the apple didn't fall far from the tree, and he turned out not to be super outdoorsy. In other words, he was not interested in exploring dirt and insects. He did like to play all sorts of (ball) sports, but there were always neighbors, daycare buddies and friends, so only on rare occasions did I have to take on a goaltender's role. 

No matter his interests (Disney Cars, Hockey), we always had a good relationship. He's been affectionate and good-natured, and we didn't have too many arguments. I had a couple of ground rules for the both of us, and these will also be my guidance to give others:

I had to make sure to walk the talk. Whatever I said, I had to think about it beforehand, because I knew I had to follow through. Nothing worse than the playground Moms who threaten "if you do this one more time, we immediately go home" - but nobody ever goes home.

Both, hubby and I agreed that if in doubt, be strict. It's easier to deviate from our "hard line" and give in every once in a while, than to run after your kid and enforce what you consider a given. Makes sense?

No is no. I remember one particular situation when he tried to sweet-talk me. I hugged him and asked how long have you known me? 

He, early on a very smart little boy, thought for a second, then he said "x amount of years" = as long as he's been alive. 

Right. And during this time, how many times can you think of that I reconsidered and a No became a Yes? 

He didn't have to think hard. " Never" he immediately said. 

So I like to think he knew what to expect of me, and he's been moving within these guidelines.

What guidance do you often give others?