UBC January 2024 - Sad Birthday

Photo by Mike Labrum on Unsplash

Today is my Godfather's 80th birthday. He's my Dad's younger brother, and he and his wife had three kids, two boys and a girl. The girl was my only female cousin, and as kids we enjoyed playing together. I have fond memories of playing hairdresser. She explicitly allowed me to cut her hair!!! My parents were less pleased.

As a young adult she barely ever attended family gatherings, and we weren't in touch in person, only once social media appeared, we sort of reconnected, albeit in a superficial way. She had a great sense of humor, I thought. This was one of her last Facebook posts.

We invited her to our wedding, and she committed to attending, only to back out at the last minute. Many of her own parents' birthday parties were the same. 

I don't think the word "depression" was ever mentioned, but I'm pretty sure that's what she suffered from, among else.

From her parents I knew she had trouble with drugs and alcohol in the past, but I was totally clueless that she wasn't as stable as she made us all believe. 

Mid-November - out of the blue - we got word that she had taken her life.

She was supposed to have dinner at her parents' on Saturday night but didn't show up, didn't answer her phone, nothing. 

This was unusual, her parents said. 

If she wasn't up for company, she would always let people know and cancel plans. 

So on Sunday morning they went to her place and found her lifeless body. It must have been such a shock.

The parents sent an e-mail informing us, and they asked us not to call or visit, so I replied, expressing my condolences.

I'm still not sure if he hit the call button by accident, but my Godfather immediately called me, and we talked for a while. Actually we FaceTimed, but I don't think he was aware of it as he kept the phone to his ear.

A few weeks later he attended a get-together in honor of their "live-in nanny" who raised them after their mother died when they were in elementary school. It's when this picture was taken.

Before Christmas there was another e-mail. It said 

My dears, 

My 80th birthday is coming up on January 4 of next year.

As I don't feel like celebrating for reasons you know, I would like to ask you to refrain from visiting and calling.

Instead, please have good thoughts for (insert his daughter's name) or light a candle in these dark times for us.

Thank you for your understanding, and I hope to see you again next year when the time is right.

With best regards

This was his 68th, Colin was 4

While I totally understand and respect his need for privacy, I have so many thoughts.

His birthday is usually a happy event. Over the course of the afternoon and evening, friends and family were welcome to drop in unannounced for coffee, respectively soup, cheese and wine. They would set up camping furniture in the living room to make sure everybody could sit down.

It's a lot of work to prepare and clean up, I admire them for making the huge effort every year.

However, this event hasn't happened in a while. Covid restrictions didn't allow it for two years in a row, and last year, my aunt just had back surgery and had to go easy on herself.

So, for another year, in 2024 a "good reason" stopped them from getting together with people they care about. 

He's turning 80. Just how many birthdays does he expect to have? High Cholesterol runs in our family, and he's had stents inserted a while ago.

I feel like they're robbing themselves of their "good years" before they get old and sick. 

And frankly, I'm angry at my cousin for putting them through this. 

Her parents had to find her, notify the authorities, the employer, the landlord. They had to clean out the apartment, stop her current contracts, sell her car. 

All this while asking themselves "why" and "why now?"

I remember many years ago they told us, she's somewhat halfheartedly tried to end her life, but she did so right literally at her parents' doorstep and was saved, taken care of and sent to rehab.

She didn't leave a note. I think she could have done everyone a favor if she had just written something like "I have tried for a long time, it's just too hard, I want to end this. It has nothing to do with any of you guys, you did more than enough to try and help me, and I want to thank you for it. I love, please make sure you enjoy life."

Of course, as parents you would still ask yourself if there's anything you could have done to save your kid, but maybe it had made a small difference.

Now I - think to - know that depression is a bitch. I wholeheartedly believe that the decision to end one's life for whatever reason is up to every individual. In Switzerland the law even permits assisted suicide under certain conditions. 

Some people can't or don't want to be helped. If she successfully covered up her problems for so many years, she probably was one of them? Her birthday was in October. She took a trip with a friend and posted happy pictures. Less than three weeks later, it was all over. 

So today, my heart is heavy for my Godfather's family. They are good people and deserve better.  And there's nothing I can do to help them.

If you know of anything, please let me know. I don't even know what words to use to wish him a happy birthday. He wants no visits and phone calls. I missed the chance to send a card via mail. Is a text OK? Am I allowed to mention I wished the circumstances were better?