Parenting Styles

Photo Credit: Agung Pandit Wiguna on Pexels

On Mother's Day morning I came across a video called "Extreme Parenting", and I liked the way in which it was made. Not sensationalist. Just observing, trying to understand.

At what point do parents' expectations diverge from the desires or even the well-being of the child? Between hard work and exhaustion, reward and risks, success and failure, where do you draw the line?

A Silicon Valley's family is all about achievement, and they explain, why: 

This is not just about academics, we're preparing them for a very different economy that they're gonna live in, but they still have the social skills that go along with it. We do mandate (yes, that's the word the Mom used) that they wear collared shirts, we make them chew with their mouths closed, and we make them look you into the eye, and we make them say please and thank you. 

If we install these values now, the structure and the discipline, the foundation that we're setting right now, is going to dictate their lives, and there is nothing more important than that. 

For roughly 40k a year, the twin boys attend a prestigious private school that doesn't take breaks, not even over the summer. 

"What are you guys gonna do today?" Dad asks on their way to what I thought was going to be a soccer game because the six year old boys in the backseat were holding a soccer ball.

"Do our best" they replied uninspired, and you could tell they say that every day.

"We're surrounded by Indian families and Asian families (hint to Silicon Valley Mom: India is actually part of Asia!) and there is a rigor and a mindfulness of education."

It felt like the real reason for sending their Causation kids to this school is to make sure they are at least on the same level (but preferably on a slightly higher one) than the Asian kids, so the twins won't experience being outranked by Asians out there in the economy of the future. But maybe I'm overreacting.

One of the boys, Dominic has a clear propensity (another actual word used by Silicon Valley Mom) for mathematics and science, and apparently he is promoted in chess. After a full day of school, it's time for "Math Drill" with Mom. You can tell, the boy is so very tired, he can't tell what 9 x 2 is.

I felt bad for him. He's six years old. Let him watch cartoons or play with his cars, for Christ's sake.

After school, his twin brother Drake plays tennis. For three hours a day, three times a week. 

Q: "You don't want your twins to play team sports. Why?"

A: "In a team sport, you can blend in. Individual sports, it's you against your opponent. Pressure is presented in a good way, as a good thing.."

Whoa, where do I, as a Hockey Mom, even start. I'm all about team sports, but this may be for a separate blog post.

The boy sheepishly put his hat on Will Smith-style, and immediately his Mom went "Oh no-no-no-no. You can't wear your hat like this", and Dad doubled up "it starts with the hat backwards and tattoos, and who knows where we go from there."

Speaking of tattoos. 

Photo Credit: Alexander Grey on Pexels

The next set of parents that is portrayed, shows a Mom with huge tattoos. She and her husband met in the military, the ultimate structured environment, and they decided to unschool their children. Well first, Mom home schooled her oldest, but when the younger son, who's on the autistic spectrum, was old enough to join, they weren't able to keep it up, so they unschooled them and later the younger two siblings as well.

Full disclosure here: I have never even heard of the term "unschooling." 

Apparently it means to let the kids decide what they want to learn, when they want to learn. Their daughter is into arts, the older son is interested in researching things, and the younger one is convinced he's from Mars and is into all things space.

Mom says "in a way you're like a gardener, and your kids are plants, and as long as you keep feeding them and watering them, they're gonna bloom and blossom. But if you're harsh on them if you overwater, and you push them, they're gonna yellow and eventually they're just gonna fade away."

Whoa, with my anything but green thumb, my poor son would soon rot.

The kids have long hair, sit or stand on the dining table, are allowed to play video games (it promotes hand/eye coordination!) but look genuinely happy. One likes to cook, and Free Range Mom makes him cut zucchini slices and cut them in halves. Boom - fractions!

They take a trip to the Science Museum, and the kids curiously explore what it has to offer.  

The TV Lady asks the Dad if he wasn't worried that the kids might not learn what they need for their future jobs? "Not at all" he said "I am not using anything I learned at school." They did not say what he did for a living, but in any case he seemed to be able to provide for a SAHM and four unschooled kids.

Photo by Pixabay

The third family's Dad calls himself the lion of the home. "I have to prepare my son for the jungle outside the door. If I don't prepare him, the wolves are waiting for him, and they will lead him."

A big part of these preparations include physical exercise. A two-hour workout every morning. The 14 yo is 5'5, weighs 140 pounds, and he can bench 225" he proudly explains. "He will play football, he will make it to the NFL."

That's not all though. The teenager has been doing martial arts since he was 4 years old, and he's been disciplined since 4 years old to have confidence in himself, so no matter what ever obstacle gets in his way, he's gonna conquer."

Now 5'5 is no the dream height for a football player. His opponents are much taller and bigger than him. He's not scared though. "They should worry about what I can do to them, not the other way round" he confidently says. The game they show is one of a clear win, and the the kid contributed with a touchdown. 

Lion Dad's background is the one of a poor African American family that included gangs, drugs and hardship. He took care of his younger siblings and wants a better life for his son. Lion Dad works hard in the construction field and coaches his boy who seems to appreciate it.

Photo Credit: Marvin Malmis Ponce

There's another family, whose Mom believes if you're prettier you'll go further in life. Her daughter is 2.5 years old and won a handful of beauty pageants. However the little girl is not very into it. They showed home videos of her refusing to go on stage. 

"Two year olds want candy, and they want to go to the playground, but two year olds don't know what's best for them. We, the parents do", she says. Off they drive to the next pageant. This time the younger one, who's 16 months old (!) is entered as well. 

They learn that the pageant coordinators put the two age groups into the same category, and it made Pageant Mom a little uneasy to have her two girls compete against each other. She didn't hold back and admitted that personally she thought the older daughter was prettier than the younger one.

Asked how much they've been spending on pageants, the Mom admitted it must have been about 10k last year. "Have you ever thought about directing some of that money to a college fund?" The TV person asked..

"Thought about it once or twice" Mom admits, "I like seriously thought how much smarter it would be, but at the same time, I'm not getting my thrill doing that."

Wow. Busted.

Fast forward to the pageant, to which they dragged their toddlers halfway across the country. We witnessed how parents and pageant associates hyped up bribed the young children with candy and caffeinated drinks. 

The older girl won, even though she didn't "perform", and the younger one that demonstrated her sparkly personality went home empty-handed. So what is even the message here..?

This program was originally broadcast in 2011, and I followed up on how some of the kids turned out. Apparently the football player didn't make the NFL but works as an Avionic Systems Design Engineer, good for him!

The tennis player wrote a booked called "the happiness expedition", based on what he observed during his travels through African and Asian countries. Well, we don't know that he actually wrote it, he just announces it to be published next year. His twin brother who's into math and chess is a student at Northwestern University.

"It's easy to forget what's important" says "Tiger Dad" (first family) at the end of the video. "it's to be present. Someone once told me the more time you spend with your children when they're younger, the more time they'll want to spend with you when they're older. "

I like that, and I hope it's true. Wait, I sort of experience that it is true :-) I may blog about it soon. Maybe I will also take a hard look at my own parenting style. Something tells me I have a little bit of tiger, hippie, lion and obsessed in me...