UBC July 2024 - Getting engaged and married

Photo by Leo_Visions on Unsplash

Welcome back to July's UBC. This month I'm going to be talking about cultural differences between Switzerland and the USA.

Today's topic is getting engaged and married.

Let's begin with the average age at which girls and boys are getting married: 28.4 and 30.2 in the US vs 30.1. and 32.3 in Switzerland. Even though these statistics only show a difference of two years, I feel the norm is that US couples are getting married faster, like after a year or two of dating, and at a younger age, probably due to many living in geographical regions where you sort of have to get married if you want to be together. 

It starts with asking the bride's parents for their blessing. In my circle of friends I know of one single guy who called his future in-laws to ask for their daughter's hand in marriage And they're now divorced ;-) I don't think that was the problem though.

Us Swiss ladies don't typically get an engagement ring. We will later go and choose wedding rings together. I hear there's a lot of dos and don'ts when it comes to this special piece of jewellery in the US: It's supposed to cost at least three months' salaries, and it's supposed to be a big fat diamond. 

Swiss guys don't go down on their knee. Except they're vloggers / influencers and are filming it "American movie style".

I quite like these imaginative productions with lettering that is carried across the sky by airplanes or appears on the video cube in the sports station. 

My husband has no appreciation for that sort of thing. We probably wouldn't be married today if he'd had to come up with and plan something like that. 

Photo by Dylan Sauerwein on Unsplash

Engagement parties aren't a big thing either. Actually, my parents had one. I think it was a family dinner in a nice restaurant. Looks like this tradition was lost over the years. 

Some of us do have bachelor parties. Hubby didn't. He doesn't drink, and he felt that was the only reason for guys to have a bachelor party. 

I went out for dinner with a bunch of girlfriends. I am not a fan of dressing up as mermaids or circus animals selling roses and the like to passerby, which is a tradition around here. 

The other day I read an article about American ladies who invite their girlfriends to a destination bachelorette party trip, only that "invite" doesn't actually mean, their girlfriends don't have to pay for it, quite the opposite. The bride-to-be determines the flight, the accommodation, the restaurants and bars, and the "guests" will be presented with a fat bill. Not sure how I would feel about this. I don't have many girlfriends for whom I would take time off work and spend so much money, especially if I had to pay for a bridesmaid's dress and a wedding gift later as well.

We also don't observe bridal or wedding showers. Since couples nowadays have been living together prior to getting married, they typically have everything. Usually they wish for money they will use for the honeymoon, a planned house renovation or another future-oriented back ticket item. 

On to the wedding preparations. 

At that time, we had to appear in person at the registrar's office for the "marriage preparation procedure". There we submitted the official documents, had a brief interview to determine our suitability to marry and were informed that our intention to marry would be publicized for some time. This, the official explained with a twinkle in his eye, was to give our ex-partners the opportunity to lodge an objection. This seems to have been abolished in the meantime, at least I can't find any more information about it anywhere. 

To be legally married in Switzerland, it is mandatory to have a civil marriage. There are couples who leave it at that. The officials go to great lengths to make what is actually a purely administrative procedure festive. The "ceremony" takes place in a room in the town hall that is more reminiscent of a time-honored parlor than a government office, and music is played. We knew nothing about he musical part in advance. They played a piece we both didn't like. But apart from that, it was nicer than expected. 

In Switzerland a couple has one bridesmaid and one best man, end of story. These two may wear whatever they like as long as it's nice and won't interfere with the wedding couple's style. 

These two are also called "witnesses", and they have the primary task of confirming with their signature at the civil ceremony that everything actually went down. The best man is in charge of the rings, and the bridesmaid has to hold the bride's flower bouquet while the rings are exchanged. 

In addition they will usually prepare some entertainment for the reception. 

So far everything sounds like more casual than the American tradition, right? 

There's another significant difference, which I was totally not aware of when I invited some of my American Starbucks bosses / colleagues to my Swiss wedding. The invitation specified they were invited to the wedding ceremony and the reception. 

My poor manager had no idea he was going to spend hours and hours with us. He thought he was gonna be home by dinner. Our party lasted until way past midnight. Actually we had to apply  and pay for a special permit that allowed us to celebrate until 2am.

I had also forgotten about this difference in duration. when we were invited to an American friend's wedding a few years later. It was a "midday wedding", and I think we gathered at 11am, and had to leave the restaurant between 2 and 3pm. Hubby and I were looking at each other and were like "that was it? What are we gonna do with the rest of the day? We flew to California for something that was already over as soon as it began?"

I would also assume that a big difference between an American and a Swiss wedding is the expectation of it's my wedding, everything needs to be exactly the way I want it, no matter the cost, and no matter the offended friends and family members along the way.

Yes, it is (supposed to be) the once in a lifetime experience, and we want it to be perfect, but I don't think bridezillas are a thing in Switzerland. 

I'm posting this today on July 24 because - can you believe it - it's our 20th wedding anniversary!