Ultimate Blogging Challenge January 2026 - The 3 Pillars of Friendship

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I recently came across a video by Mel Robbins titled “Why Making Friends as an Adult Feels Impossible & What to Do About It.” It’s 72 minutes long — but don’t worry, I watched it so you don’t have to (unless you want to, of course!).

Here’s a summary of the key points, based on her insights and research:

The Three Pillars of Friendship:

1. Proximity: You’re physically close to each other.

2. Timing: You’re in a similar stage of life.

3. Energy: You share interests, enthusiasm, or goals.

Mel explains how, as kids, friendships form almost effortlessly. You attend school with kids from your neighborhood, ride the same bus, play on the same team or in the same band. Proximity, timing, and energy just happen.

But then... Graduation.
The Great Scattering begins. People move away for college, start jobs, enter relationships, and suddenly everything shifts. Proximity is gone. Timing is off. Energy gets redirected.

You realize that friendship is no longer a team sport where everyone is automatically included;  it's now an individual sport. One that requires effort, initiative, and flexibility. And this pattern repeats throughout life.

Maybe you once had a close-knit group of coworkers. You were all single, had time, went on spontaneous trips, met up for movies or gallery openings. Then one of you got a new job, or moved away, and the group dissolved. Not because you stopped caring, but because the three pillars no longer aligned.

Or think of the "mom friends" you made at the playground, daycare, or kindergarten. You saw each other often, shared birthday parties and playdates, maybe even babysat each other’s kids. Then your kids grew up, went to different schools, made their own friends, and the shared ground disappeared.

Sometimes you manage to stay in touch, but then life throws in divorce, illness, or other major shifts, and again, things scatter.

Mel also cites a study from the University of Kansas that breaks down how friendship forms over time:

• 50 hours to become casual friends

• 90 hours to become real friends

• 200 hours to become close friends

That’s a lot of time, and hard to achieve when proximity, timing, or energy are out of sync.

She uses a powerful metaphor:

Friendship is like a rubber band.

When all three pillars are aligned, the band is tight and strong. If one pillar shifts, the band stretches, but it doesn’t necessarily snap. Just don’t tug at it. Don’t cling. Don’t take it personally. It’s not you, it’s the pillars. And sometimes, the band relaxes again later in life.

This leads to her philosophy she calls “Let Them…” 

She wrote an entire book about it. The idea: Let people do what they will. Let them drift, change, cancel plans, or not invite you. Don’t chase. Don’t control. Don’t internalize.

“The Let Them theory promotes emotional awareness by encouraging you to observe and accept the emotional experiences of others without trying to control or intervene.”

Instead of fixating on what you can’t control, shift the focus on making new friends:

• Let me go first.

• Let me make an effort.

• Let me put myself out there.

• Let me say hello.

• Let me give compliments.

• Let me try something new.

• Let me go places — even if it’s alone.

Someone in the video’s comment section wrote this gem:

“I work on the premise that we have:

• Friends for a reason.

• Friends for a season.

• Friends for life.” 🥂

I loved that. I needed that. I still struggle with accepting when a season ends, but I’m learning to be more flexible, and to let them.

What about you? Have you heard of the three pillars: proximity, timing, and energy?
Is it easy for you to let them?
Have you made a new friend recently, and if so, how did you meet?