UBC Motherhood - Bonding

One thing I remember from psychology class back then, is the importance of the first 18 months in a baby's life. If they feel abandoned, there's a high chance that they will develop mental illnesses like depression. 

Sort of makes sense, if you think about it.

You're a very young human being who can't look after yourself. You depend on a nice person for everything: food, diaper changes, your blanket, warm clothes, you name it. Most importantly though: love and affection.

That way you will develop trust. 

Yes, a crying baby may be annoying, especially in the middle of the night, for the gazillionth time. And you probably won't scar them for life if it takes you a minute or two. However, if they learn that if they cry, you will come, it will give them a sense of safety.

It would be really interesting to know how much they perceive from what's going on in their environment:

• During pregnancy
• Once they're out

A friend of mine who is a certified ADHD coach, told me he read about a study where they look at stress hormones in babies and young children's urine. If they come from a stressful family environment, be it due to addiction issues, low income, violence, etc. their cortisol  levels were significant.

How does a young body and mind deal with this over a lengthy period of time?

My guess is they lose hope and try to get by without needing other people. 

I digress.

When I became a Mom, I was very aware of the significance of bonding and building a trusting relationship with my baby. 

I could only hope that he wanted the same thing though!! 

What if he didn't like me? Maybe he preferred Daddy? Or Grandma. She's a Kindergarten teacher, ALL the kids love her!

Well, I started to talk to him early on during pregnancy. Mostly on our commute to the office. God knows we spent enough time in traffic.

I usually told him what to expect today, like "I have a meeting with J. He's the Operations Director, and he'll usually say let's keep this short, but don't be surprised if he's still talking after an hour."

Or "hey, after lunch we're going into the city, I have to interview a potential store manager. I may participate in the coffee tasting, but I'll only take one sip. You're not supposed to get hooked on caffeine, are you, little guy?"

After birth I sort of continued to discuss our day.

"How about after your bottle, you're getting a clean diaper and then we head to the market?"

I like to believe he understood and approved ;-)

At least he always appeared to listen, and he kept eye contact, which always made me feel like "don't ever try to fool him, he'll notice."

I am generally a very intuitive person, so I just tried to be extra mindful to his vibes and follow my instincts.

However, I'm also generally an organized person. You know, my jobs required some rigid prioritizing and structuring, otherwise I would get overwhelmed and drown. 

Baby Colin did not get that memo! 

He didn't care about pediatrician's appointments. Even if I scheduled them for a time he was usually always awake. Not that particular day though. He was enjoying the nicest nap, and it broke my heart to take him out of bed.

All in all we got along brilliantly. This is true until today. He turns 14 in September, and he may have an occasional touch of bad attitude, which is probably equally true for myself, but it never lasts long.

If I had to come up with guesses as to why things went so smoothly for us... It'd probably be the following:

• Think before you speak. Underpromise, overdeliver - never the other way round. Only promise what you can keep. If you threaten, you'll have to follow through. Nothing more ridiculous than the Mom on the playground who yells "do this one more time, and we'll never come back here, ever!"
• Take your child seriously. He may only be 3 years old, but he is a person and deserves respect. Also I was never using baby talk, I addressed him in full sentences, using normal words, and I tried to explain why we (don't) do things a certain way.
• I tried to teach him early on that there was no such thing as a free lunch. Business before pleasure. Yes, we may go to the park, right after we put away the laundry. If you help me, we will finish faster.
• Considering he was an only child, I always made it a point to meet other kids. When he was 16 months old, I went back to work part-time, and he started spending two days a week at daycare. It was an international one at the airport, actually he and another kid were the only Swiss ones. He benefitted so much from this environment. 

And above all: just enjoy each other's company! Have fun! Laugh a lot! Love each other!

PS: Speaking having fun... One night after hockey practice I wanted to take him to the planetarium for an opportunity to see the super blue blood moon. The tour was fully booked, and I was bummed. 

"Take it easy Mom, we tried." my 10yo said. 

"We can always go and have a drink at the panorama bar." 

And that's exactly what we did. 

I know. 

Totally inconceivable in the U.S. No biggie in Europe. Here's the full post about it.