UBC Motherhood - Expectations

A conversation on social media inspired me to write today's post:

Mom A posted in a Mommy Group. Like so many others, she posted anonymously because she was afraid of being judged:

Tiring everyday life

Dear Mommies,

Do you you similar experiences? You've been outside at least three times, swung on the swing three times, read some 25 books and fetched the child from the stairs 100 times so that they don't kill themselves. And at the end of the day you're just dog-tired and a bit bored? And this day in, day out? As much as I love my child and yes, I also love playing with my child and spending quality time with my child - but is this what all moms rave about? Is this the true fulfilment that all expectant parents dream of? 

Moms B - Y

Replied something along the lines

• I feel you
• Hang in there, it gets better as they become more independent 
• Why don't you try and meet other Moms with kids or do new things in your area, go to the pool, ride your bikes,..?

And there there was Mom Z. Here's what she had to say:

Maybe you are so exhausted BECAUSE you always have plans or think you have to have them. So when I was a kid myself, you didn't go on any trips. You were integrated into your parents' everyday life, went out with the dog or for a walk, to the playground, played with kids in the neighborhood. You don't always have to have activities planned - that suggests something wrong to the children and can promote ADHD in children with predisposition.

Just chill out for a few days, it works wonders.

I got annoyed on behalf of Mom A. Playing on the swing and reading books is hardly over-employing children so young they need to be supervised, even though I totally got Mom Z's general point. It was just very misdirected towards Mom A.

I get equally annoyed by Moms who constantly ask "what are you guys doing today, I am drawing a blank?" Especially if they'll proceed to reject every idea other people suggest.

It's either too far away, too crowded, too hot outside, too expensive, too this, too that. 

How should we know what they and their kids liked? 

I think these issues tell a lot about people's expectations.

Mom A obviously expected true fulfilment before she became a Mom. Reminds me of the people who expect happiness from their romantic partners. What made her believe this was realistic? 

Did she observe a bunch of Moms in the park, happily chatting and laughing while their little ones were playing peacefully? She should have stuck around a little longer until kids and adults alike got dirty, hungry and cranky ;-)

Did she believe the cute pictures and videos on social media were the full truth? 

It may even go deeper. 

When I was working for a job placement agency way back, I met all kinds of candidates. The ambitious career-oriented ones, the diploma hoarders, the flexible and curious ones and the completely indecisive and hesitant ones, many of the latter were young women.

They had very little "inner interests" if that term makes any sense. They graduated (or not) and sort of needed a job to pay the bills, and many times I felt like they were just looking for a way to bridge time until they would get married and have kids. Back then I already felt sorry for them (plus their husband and their kids) because unless taking care of babies or sick people was their true calling (in which case this was the industry they should've immersed themselves in) they would end up equally bored and unfulfilled, posting "what are you guys doing today?"

Does this sound harsh? It may, and I'm sorry. 

It's just in Switzerland you get so many opportunities. In my opinion, these days, schools prepare you well for your career choice decision process. Starting at age 13, it's actually a compulsory weekly class. You have access to career counselling, you get lists of companies that offer week-long job-orientation programs (for which you get time off from school), you practice how to write resumes and cover letters, you even role-play job interviews. In the end it's up to you to develop enough enthusiasm and perseverance to follow through with an education.

Plus, if you don't want to go through a hands-on job training program right out of high school, universities are paid by the state. Meaning you'll only be charged tuition of a few hundred bucks per semester. Also, in Switzerland there are two federal and ten state universities plus a whole bunch of universities of applied sciences, spread over an area of 41,000 km2, that's 15,800 square miles. Meaning you may still live with your parents and commute. So really, if you've been working on your grades, college is feasible for everybody.

Back to Mom A.

Is it the nature of the "Mom Job" that sets women up for disappointment? There are no job programs or apprenticeships preparing you for all the aspects and downsides, or are there?

It probably depends on how you've been going through life.

If you keep your eyes open, pretty much every life situation is a practice opportunity, be it in your family, in your job, your sports team, with your friends or while volunteering, because at the end of the day it's always about communication, teamwork and taking care of others. 

Plus many girls earn their first money babysitting other people's kids. While this is not comparable to being a Mom 24/7, at least you're getting a glimpse. 

I am trying to think back what my own expectations were prior to actually becoming a Mom. 

I think in my imaginations I was having fun with my kid(s). Live, laugh, love. I figured it was going to be interesting to observe how they developed, and if they came more after myself or their Dad. I imagined I was going to show them the world, little by little. 

I don't want to brag, but my forecast came true pretty precisely. 

Thanks to the fact that I have been working part-time, there was never an issue about what to do on my precious days off. We always found something to do, and at some point we typically had to get groceries, which usually included checking out the toy aisle. Another hour in the books ;-) And no, we didn't buy anything, we were just browsing. 

We took a little thing and turned them into an adventure. When he began being interested in letters we did an A - Z photo hunt. We went out and about and took pictures of things that started with each letter of the alphabet. It was so much fun!

Other days we'd check out new playgrounds and parks, preferably ones with animals. 

If it was hot, I'd fill balloons with water - simple, and yet so much fun! Plus ice cream. Go out to get some or make your own. Another hour in the books.

On rainy days we'd come up with arts and crafts projects like painting a toy truck's wheels and drive around on a large piece of paper. Boom! Art!

Don't forget the time it was raining, but we still had to go to the city. We came up with the umbrella challenge. During our tram ride, he counted the colourful umbrellas, and I went for the black and gray ones. Things were looking good for him in the suburban areas. When we came to the financial district, however, I caught up! 

We did our share of cooking and baking. We watched a cooking show and decided to give the recipe a try. Well, I tried, and he watched or wandered off to play with his LEGOs, cars, books, you name it.

Aww, I miss these days. No school, no schedules, just enjoying our days.

We still have them, like right now during summer break. Most of his friends are away, so he's sort of stuck with me. Of course he doesn't want to play with water balloons or count umbrellas, but he appreciates a trip to the mall, which includes lunch from the sushi train, always a highlight. 

Other times we'd visit the Olympic Museum, or I will take him and a buddy to the ice rink to break in the new skates before he goes to hockey camp next week. I thoroughly enjoyed cooling down while other people were suffering from 36°C = 97°F outside! 

Yes, I was sitting in the audience, wearing a sweater, working on a blog post until my fingers turned blue, by which point I moved on to the rink's restaurant. 

The other day - after he ran out of screen time - we played categories, and apart from the classic ones like city, country and body of water, we came up with some silly stuff like "excuses not to attend practice" - good fun!

Is this my true fulfilment? I probably never pictured this exact scenario, but I'm not complaining at all. My boy is happy and healthy, and as a result, so am I. 

Oh, and one more thing: Many Moms are annoyed about siblings fighting all day long. I don't have this issue! 

What were your expectations of being a parent? Did they become true?