UBC Motherhood - Mom Guilt

You knew this was coming, right?

Show me a mother who never feels guilty...

I don't know the source of Mommy guilt. 

Does it come from within? You want to do absolutely everything for your kids, but at some point you'll invitably fail. You can't meet your own expecations.

OR

You hear a lot about what society, your own Mom, your husband, your neighbor, your kid's teacher, the pediatritian or your friends expects from you. You want to do right by them, but at some point you'll invitably fail. You can't meet everybody's expecations.

There is one more aspect: Whatever will happen in a child's life, if it's something bad, you can bet people will ask about how that kid grew up. What was the kid's Mom doing wrong? Did she not love them enough? Did she love them too much? 

I have gone through my share of Mom guilt, but fortunately these feelings of inadequacy have not taken over. 

From a distance it's quite interesting to analyze some of the reasons - and to look at how things played out.

• I felt guilty for not being prepared enough for the birth. Instead of taking care of things at the office until the end, I should have looked after myself and the baby better. Book a massage, join a birth preparation course, read every book.
• I did feel guilty for not being able to breastfeed. I may have given up too quickly. I should have tried harder.
• The worst and most sustainable feeling of guilt originated from going back to work. I have been wanting to become a Mom for so long, and after 16 months I drop deport him to daycare to slave away in the private sector again.

Oh wait, there's  one thing even worse!

That moment you're getting a phone call from daycare to let you know that your little one developed a fever, and he was crying, and you were supposed to pick him up immediately. However, you're in the middle of something, and your next meeting (in my case as a recruiter, they're always job interviews) is about to start in 45 minutes.

Now you're not only feeling like a Raven Mother, you're also an unreliable employee.

I'll talk more about this specific situation in my post about working mothers.

For now let's do a reality check on my reasons to feel guilty for:

Preparation

It definitely would have been beneficial if I had attended more than the two childbirth classes I found at short notice. Not only would they have provided me with useful knowledge, but it would have been a time for me (and my husband, if he could tear himself away from work) to tune into our future roles.

Looking at how I reduced my coffee habit to one a day, did without the yummy, yet not recommended foods like raw fish, cheese and meat and of course alcohol, and later drastically cut my carbs intake, I can honestly say I did plenty for my baby - and myself in the process.

As for books? I did read "what to expect when you expect", and the only chapter I remember being genuinely helpful was the one about postpartum bleeding. Nobody will ever tell you how long and how strong these may be. Other than that, I don't think I missed out by not reading every book, on the contrary. Books are like well meant opinions: they may or may not apply to you. Better ask your own Mom or a trusted friend. AND: trust your instinct. Even as a new Mom you know your baby best. Follow your gut.

Breastfeeding 

If anything I have burdened myself with a tedious job. Unlike nursing moms who could just up and leave, I had to pack sterilized bottles containing the correctly measured amount of milk powder plus bottles containing boiled water every time I left the house. I needed a place to reheat the water. Don't get me started on the prices for formula. For no reason at all I kept all the boxes, and once Colin was old enough, he used them to play. 

What is the number one argument pro nursing? "it's good better for your baby's immune system." Well, my boy's health was excellent. Fortunately, I can count on one hand the number of times he was sick.

Going back to Work

When is the right time to go back to work after giving birth? What workload is appropriate? You may ask ten people and get ten opinions. In my case I felt it was OK to go back when he was 16 months old, and I worked 20 hours a week. One week I went to the office three days a week, the other week only two days. It felt great to do something productive and to interact with adults. I learned a ton about a new industry (airline) and made new friends. 

Mostly I enjoyed the fact that I could schedule and structure an entire day as I pleased! No feedings, no nap times, no unexpected laundry duty! Oh, and you know what more? Lunch!! 

Lunch was the time when someone else prepared my food. I didn't have to shop for groceries and clean up the kitchen either. I could just choose something, sit down, and enjoy the dish in the company of people who knew how to use a knife and fork themselves. 

What about my son? He had a blast at daycare. He had recently begun to speak, and he was making huge progress! Basically every night I picked him up, he was using new words! He enjoyed playing with other kids, toys and vehicles, and the fact that it was located at the airport was a definite bonus.

While other daycares go to the park or the playground, they had the additional option to go aircraft spotting! How many two year olds will tell you that they observed the departure of a A380?

Yes, I did pay a steep price for my going back to work relatively early and to a demanding job. 

I'll talk about it my post "Working Mothers".

Anything you were feeling guilty about?

Today's offical blog assignment is to encourage readers to ask questions, so please, fire away!

If you're up to more reading, please check out my post about a certain Wagon Wheel Coffee Table - another edition of a monthly writing challenge in which I had to incorporate the following words:

wagon ~ park ~ beautiful ~ steep ~ willful